A lot has happened since I last blogged on this. I always attempt to write posts, but end up saving them as a draft or getting frustrated and deleting them all together. I guess my 365+1 Day Journal will never get to see how the rest of my Summer was. Oh well. It was nothing special anyways.
Anywho. I started Junior year almost exactly one week ago. This past few days have definitely been something new for me and I am just learning how to adjust to that. After being extra and letting out all the stuff thats been bottled up, I am happy to say that I am ready for Junior year and whats to come…… (or so I think I am.)
This past week has probably been one of the most overwhelming experiences.
First. It was triggered by you. Now that it’s all said and done, I’ll admit, I was completely attracted to you. Whether it was because you gave me the extra attention that one else did, or because I knew I couldn’t have you, or just simply because I enjoyed your company.. a part of me has always liked you. But what we had going was obviously going nowhere. Wrong timing. Restrictions. People. So much getting in the way of what coulda been. Crazy thing is, I never allow myself to get involved or fall for anyone. But this time, I was willing. I know I’m not ready to be with someone, & apparently you aren’t either. But I thought after all these years of pushing people away, this time, it might be worth a shot. But you don’t feel the same, I totally and completely respect that. You told me not wait. So I’m not. I know it ended quickly and a lot was left unsaid, but it took me A LOT to gather up all that and confront you about everything. And you let me. That’s when I knew it was really time to cut things off. I’m sorry. I don’t exactly know why you’re angry but I guess I’ll never find out. Hope everything works out for you.
Anyways. Finally letting things out about a boy was def something new to me. Feeling attached, or wanting someone, in a sense, is all something I’m not used to. I know its completely normal to feel that way, and its not wrong at all. But needing someones presence in order for me to have a good day is not a feeling I like. It makes me feel like someone else is in control of my feelings. And that’s just a no. I couldn’t handle feeling something new like that, especially with all the other BS thats going on.
Which brings me to my next point— the other BS.
First off. There’s school itself. The thought of school terrifies me, but thats also completely normal. It’s junior year. Everyone wants to succeed, right?
What scares me is all that I put on my plate. I sign up for so many events, participate in so many activities, and always want to be involved. It wasn’t until today that I realized that maybe I am not ready to handle all of that. The thing with being a student at Cerritos High School, is I always feel not good enough. My classmates next to me all talk about their busy schedules of 4 AP classes, internships, SAT Academies, tutor, clubs, etc etc etc! The pressure to get at their level is always at an all time high. I just want to feel good enough. Sadly, I got a little carried away.
To some people, it may not be much.. but to me, it’s more than enough.
3 AP Classes. Captain on Cerritos Dance Drill Team. Prom Committee Commissioner of Events. Model United Nations. Key Club. and new stuff like Communion/Confirmation classes & Alani’s Debut.
Second of all, something that I hold close to my heart— dancing. Dancing with my team to be exact. Not going into detail, but all in all, my team is experiencing some major changes. Whether we like it or not, I know as a Captain, I always have to stay positive, and lead the team through it. But it is so hard to do when there is so much discouragement around. SO. HARD. It’s a little disappointing seeing people I expected to work the hardest, to complain or discourage others instead, but I know its unintentional. I just wish they understand the consequences of the words that come out of their mouth. Being on the team right now is so hard. I miss everything. How things used to be. But I’m slowly starting to accept change. And what I want most is for everyone else to start accepting it too. Like. AKLHGKAGKAHKSLDGKDSLJGKGJ THIS TOPIC ISNT REALLY SOMETHING I CAN BLOG ABOUT BUT ALGKALJGKJ <33333 UGH.
Thinking about all of this def got to me last night. A series of unfortunate events and bad timing left me in one of my RARE breakdowns.
Lets backtrack a little. I started my day off good. I had ended things with you the night before, but I woke up trying to stay positive. Then first period came along. I was okay. Until the subject came up and I cried. And at first I didn’t know why I was crying. And that made me cry even more. Eriel doesn’t cry over boys. Hahaha. But first period ended great. Dancing with a great group of people put me in the happiest mood. School was whatever. All went okay. After school when I headed home, I even got most of my homework done. I was super productive all of a sudden. Then practice came along. I found out bittersweet news.. and there came crying part 2. Now THIS boy was well worth the tears. The news was just shocking to me and I couldn’t handle at the moment.
And then my Mom picked me up for a confirmation meeting, and as I sat there next to my Mom, across from the church guy or whatever, everything hit me. He was reading off all these dates and events I would have to attend to, and after every single one he’d tell me, I associated it with an conflicting event I already have planned. It made me feel like I was running out of time. I held it together, but once I got into the car, I had to let at least something out. Unfortunately, my Mom responded to my tears telling me that I need to make certain things not mean so much to me. I guess she doesn’t understand…. but when something means a lot to you, that never changes. After that unpleasant 3 minute conversation, it just left me feeling even more akldjsfgklasglajs.
Then I started to feel sick. My insides were twisting and I felt like I had to throw up. But of course like the stubborn girl I am, I returned back to practice and attempted to dance. However, my performance/runthrough just put me in an even worst state. That was the worst I’ve ever danced, or worst I’ve ever felt while dancing. Those few weeks without practice left me with no body control, no technique, and I may have even lost all my stage presence. Ugh.
Got home. and let it all out. I laid on my couch with what I thought was another stomach flu, trying to calmly explain to my sister how I was feeling. But I couldn’t. She told me that it sucks, but things can get worse— and that I was starting to feel physically sick because of how overwhelmed I felt all in one day.
I woke up this morning with those words lingering in my head. “I know it sucks Eriel, but things are probably gonna get worse. Its just gonna get harder from here,” she said. I know I had taken a little too much on my plate. Too much for my own liking. But it is my responsibility. And I’m ready to do it. I’m ready to take on what this year has to offer me. And I’m slowly learning to accept the fact that there will be many times I will fail. But its okay. I’ll be okay.
Letting everything out and finally not bottling myself up feels good. It’s bitter, because in order for me to vent, there would have to be something wrong.. which is never good. But its sweet knowing that I can get through it. Thanks to all those who have continuously been checking up on me these past few days. I am truly blessed with THEE best of friends. Appreciate it. Love you all. Xoxo